Soggy Waffles — danny rosenberg

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Long Shot

Long Shot isn’t the political rom-com we asked for, but it’s exactly the political rom-com we need in 2019.

In Theaters, CrispyGuest UserMay 20, 2019

Pokémon Detective Pikachu

Is it fair to assign a rating to a movie if I didn’t stay until the ending? I don’t think so, but I’m going to anyway. If it had been better, maybe I would have given a shit about its ending.

In Theaters, SoggyGuest UserMay 19, 2019

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil And Vile

What could have been a terrifying thriller is instead reduced to something far more procedural and lackluster. And that’s a real shame, because there’s a good movie in here somewhere. Its writers just didn’t dig deep enough.

Now Streaming, MicrowavedGuest UserMay 15, 2019

Avengers: Endgame

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. I won’t warn you again. THERE’S NO TURNING BACK!

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserApril 25, 2019

Don’t read on unless you want your shit SPOILED, bro!

In Theaters, CrispyGuest UserApril 7, 2019

Skate Kitchen

If you blended the spirit of “American Honey,” the understanding of what-it-means-to-be-a-teen-in-2018 of “Eighth Grade” and the feeling of being-part-of-something-bigger-than-yourself-as-a-result-of-skating of “Mid90s,” you’d get Skate Kitchen – an often-times hilarious, deeply moving and wholly unique vision of what it means to be a kid on the cusp of adulthood whose finally found her people.

Now Streaming, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserApril 6, 2019

The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part

I was on the fence about whether to give The Second Part a Microwaved or Crispy rating, but what sealed the deal for me was realizing that this movie committed the most egregious crime I’ll witness a movie commit all year.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest UserApril 3, 2019

Captain Marvel

The MCU’s most powerful superhero deserves a more epic introduction.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest UserMarch 24, 2019

Roma and Shit

Well, it looks like I went a whole month without posting any reviews again. Oops. I have good excuses this time though, I swear. I finally got around to watching Roma, but who even cares about my Roma opinion anymore…not me, that’s for sure. The good news is I watched a fuck ton of other movies, too!

Now Streaming, Crispy, Perfectly Toasted, Frozen, MicrowavedGuest UserMarch 17, 2019

Vice

I really hope everything Adam McKay puts forward in the future does away with the characters-talking-at-you thing that he apparently is fond of now. It worked well with “The Big Short” because it was funny and refreshing, but mostly because that banking shit is very confusing and was surely to go over the heads of 90 percent of the audience otherwise, myself included. Vice cheapens everything that worked well for The Big Short and turns its success into nothing more than a gimmick, with far diminished returns.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest UserFebruary 17, 2019

Winter's Bone

Scene-for-scene, Winter’s Bone the movie is a very faithful adaptation of the novel, and every bit as tense and gritty.

Now Streaming, CrispyGuest UserFebruary 17, 2019

January: Boy Erased, Cold War and more!

Cold War is far and away my favorite movie of the year so far (I can say that because it’s January!), while IMO the Queen biopic wasn’t nearly as awful as the Letterboxd community made it out to be.

In Theaters, Now Streaming, Frozen, Microwaved, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserFebruary 10, 2019

Ben Is Back On Beale Street

Featuring a double review helping of Ben Is Back and If Beale Street Could Talk. Grab your plastic forks and knives, because it’s time to get soggy!

In Theaters, Crispy, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserJanuary 14, 2019

The Favourite

It’s a movie that deliberately does everything to keep you at an arm’s reach, but if you stick with it, The Favourite makes for an immensely entertaining moviegoing experience. I’m already excited about returning to it in order to pick up on things I didn’t catch the first time.

In Theaters, CrispyGuest UserDecember 30, 2018

First Reformed

Have you ever returned to one of your all-time favorite movies and wondered what it would feel like to watch it again for the first time? First Reformed is the rare movie that gives you that feeling the first time you watch it. From its opening scene, I knew I was in the presence of greatness.

Now Streaming, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserDecember 29, 2018

Mary Poppins Returns

Over the past year, I’ve gotten more careful about reading reviews before I see movies so as not to subconsciously pawn off other critics’ opinions as my own, but there are two criticisms I couldn’t avoid hearing about Mary Poppins Returns before I saw it on Christmas Day. The first is that Emily Blunt sucked in the titular role, and the second is that the music sucked overall. I am here to say that I wholeheartedly agree with the latter, but couldn’t disagree more with the former.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest UserDecember 25, 2018

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

I don’t care if you’ve got superhero fatigue or if you think the last thing we needed in 2018 was yet another go at a Spidey origin story: Mark my words, Into the Spider-Verse is the best animated movie of the year and my new favorite Marvel movie of all time, though it’s not my favorite Spider-Man movie. That honor still belongs to “Spider-Man 2.”

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserDecember 23, 2018

Can You Ever Forgive Me?

I think my mom unwittingly summarized my thoughts on CYEFM best when she mentioned the return of Schindler’s List to theaters this weekend. It’s a great movie, she said, but not one she has any desire to watch again. Can You Ever Forgive Me? will probably go down as one of my favorite movies of 2018, but at least as of right now, I have absolutely no desire to watch it again.

In Theaters, CrispyGuest UserDecember 12, 2018

Thanksgiving Ketchup

Featuring reviews of Widows, Instant Family, Never Goin’ Back, Hot Summer Nights and Searching.

In Theaters, Now Streaming, Crispy, MicrowavedGuest UserNovember 26, 2018

Blindspotting

Blindspotting is a powerful movie-of-the-moment, a wholly original take on the rippling effects of gun violence in the current age we’re living in – and if it doesn’t crack the top 10 on your end of the year lists, then your list means nothing to me.

Now Streaming, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserNovember 26, 2018