Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.
And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.
Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1. The Frozen Waffle
The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2. The Soggy Waffle
You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3. The Microwaved Waffle
This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4. The Crispy Waffle
Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle
This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
It’s a movie that deliberately does everything to keep you at an arm’s reach, but if you stick with it, The Favourite makes for an immensely entertaining moviegoing experience. I’m already excited about returning to it in order to pick up on things I didn’t catch the first time.
Read MoreOver the past year, I’ve gotten more careful about reading reviews before I see movies so as not to subconsciously pawn off other critics’ opinions as my own, but there are two criticisms I couldn’t avoid hearing about Mary Poppins Returns before I saw it on Christmas Day. The first is that Emily Blunt sucked in the titular role, and the second is that the music sucked overall. I am here to say that I wholeheartedly agree with the latter, but couldn’t disagree more with the former.
Read MoreI don’t care if you’ve got superhero fatigue or if you think the last thing we needed in 2018 was yet another go at a Spidey origin story: Mark my words, Into the Spider-Verse is the best animated movie of the year and my new favorite Marvel movie of all time, though it’s not my favorite Spider-Man movie. That honor still belongs to “Spider-Man 2.”
Read MoreI think my mom unwittingly summarized my thoughts on CYEFM best when she mentioned the return of Schindler’s List to theaters this weekend. It’s a great movie, she said, but not one she has any desire to watch again. Can You Ever Forgive Me? will probably go down as one of my favorite movies of 2018, but at least as of right now, I have absolutely no desire to watch it again.
Read MoreFeaturing reviews of Widows, Instant Family, Never Goin’ Back, Hot Summer Nights and Searching.
Read MoreAs a showcase for directing and editing, First Man is great. Maybe one of the best movies of the year. But if you’re like me, that’s not enough to carry a movie. As someone who absolutely loved Whiplash and once Instagrammed a picture of Rylan Gosling for #ManCrushMonday, it physically pains me to say that I liked but didn’t love First Man.
Read MoreMy advice? Run, don’t walk. Though there’s so many beatdowns in the movie that I walked out afraid someone was going to beat me up, I also walked out of the theater knowing that I had just experienced one of my favorite movies of the year. I immediately wished I could watch it over again for the first time.
Read MoreThis wasn’t the sequel to a Jack Black movie based on a series of beloved kids books by R.L. Stine, but I saw some serious goosebumps in the theater today. The moment when Maine brings Ally on stage for the first time is just so emotional and powerful and exciting that it’s practically worth the price of admission itself. Scratch that, it is worth the price of admission itself.
Read MoreIf I was the type of person who walked out of movies, I would have walked out of this one. But to be fair, I shouldn’t be surprised – “Bad Times” is in the title – I just thought that only applied to the characters, not moviegoers as well.
Read MoreIf there’s anything to be said about Support the Girls, it’s that it’s got a lot of hearts. The writers clearly want you to feel for these characters, and while I almost certainly did for Hall’s shift manager Lisa, I can’t say the same case was made for the other girls.
Read MoreI really was hooked on everything about The Wife until the last 10 minutes of the movie. I’m still interested to see if Close will get any love come awards season, but let’s just say I like the endings of her movies better when she's playing opposite a certain spotted couple named Pongo and Perdita.
Read MoreWhile the film could have taken the easy route and leaned into the rebellion narrative like I expected, the final result is instead a beautiful, honest exploration of the confusion and messiness of sexual identity, gender orientation and religion as seen through the lens of teenagers in 1993 who want to believe they’re good enough when their families and society are constantly telling them otherwise.
Read MoreFallout is undoubtedly the most fun you’ll have at the movies this year. Don’t fact check me on this, but it’s got to have the best Tom Cruise running: runtime ratio of any movie to come out this summer, and the chase sequences come fast and hit hard.
Read MoreThe best coming-of-age movies aren’t just able to perfectly capture a generation, but also transcend it. I wear it on my life sleeve that I’m a sucker for any and all coming-of-age movies, but Eighth Grade was unlike other recent standouts because of how much I found myself caring for Kayla.
Read MoreMy biggest takeaway from Ant-Man and the Wasp is similar to that of its predecessor: there’s a whole lot to like here, but not much to love. It’s fun and forgettable, for better and worse.
Read MoreIf you love satire and anything-goes surrealism, and oh yeah, hate capitalism, you’ll feel right at home in this audience.
Read MoreDespite the lack of a strong emotional core, everything you’ve heard about Incredibles 2 and know about Pixar is on full display here: the top-notch action sequences, the superior animation and the stellar voice-acting.
Read MoreQualms aside, there’s still plenty to enjoy in Ocean’s 8, the highlights including the heist sequence, a solid soundtrack and Rihanna smoking two fat joints.
Read MoreUnlike The Babadook, Hereditary doesn’t hit you over the head with its metaphors. I don’t want to spoil anything, but let’s just say the devil is definitely in the details with this one.
Read MoreI’m pretty picky when it comes to horror movies, but I loved A Quiet Place not just for the way it turns sound into a weapon, but because the aliens are truly frightening.
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